I’ve never heard my granddaughter’s voice
I’ve never heard her laugh.
I’ve never watched her run or play or dance.
I’ve never brushed her hair.
I’ve never read her a book.
I’ve never sang her a song.
I’ve never held her hand.
I’ve never watched a Disney Princess movie with her.
Instead, strangers have more of those privileges than her biological family. Those of her biological family who are allowed a relationship, that is.
Certain words and phrases were used to convince her mother, and us, our granddaughter would still be a part of our family and the minute her mother let it be known she was not comfortable with the situation she was “no longer a part of their family”. The rest of the family ignored or claimed ignorance of this situation. We couldn’t. We are, after all, her parents. We’d abandoned her once.
I know where my granddaughter is located. I know her name and address. I could get in the car and drive there right now. I don’t out of respect for my daughter and granddaughter. I would never threaten their visitation with each other. That is most important.
Knowing where my granddaughter is does not stop my grief. It does not stop her from growing into a completely different person than the one she would have been if we’d been a part of her life. It doesn’t change the fact I have never, and probably will never, get to do any of the things I listed above. Her mother isn’t even a minor part of her life. She will probably not make an impact, but at least Olivia will know she cared enough to make the trips she was allowed to make.
Our situation isn’t like our granddaughter lives in another country, and we get to Skype once a week and maybe even make once or twice a year trips to visit. We do not get to visit. We do not get to speak to her on the phone or Skype. She doesn’t even know we exist.
I understand some people were concerned with my last post and my comparison to the grief felt over a death and the grief felt over a loss like the one we have suffered with our granddaughter, but I have no other similar feeling to compare with which others may be familiar.
At the risk of sounding totally naive, prior to our granddaughter’s birth I understood first mothers may suffer loss, but I never understood the depth of the loss. I never understood that any loss touched other family members. And adoptees? I was under the misguided impression they never looked back. Of course, I understand now I’ve been a victim of a very successful propaganda campaign.
What really upsets me after last weeks post is how those who’ve suffered adoption loss want to dictate to others who’ve suffered the same or similar losses exactly how they can publicly explain how they personally feel those losses.
No one has the right to tell anyone else how they can explain or feel their loss. Hell, each individual doesn’t even have the power to change anything like that. So, get over it. I’m going to keep comparing my loss to exactly how it feels to me, and that has nothing to do with you or your loss.
And really, if you think about it, if people only felt a “little” loss in adoption they probably wouldn’t feel the need to speak out about it, would they?