This post is dedicated to Kathy.
From the moment I left that Florida hospital and was placed in the arms of another mother, my life was forever changed. The life I was born to live, the life that would have started then with my natural parents, would never happen, and I would never be able to get it back.
When my father refused to marry my mother and insisted that I be given away, my life was sent on a different path and I could never get the original path back. Once an adoption takes place, that’s it. Neither the parent nor the child can ever go back and live the life they would have had if the child had been kept. And a mother, such as my own, who never had any other children can never go back and have the experience of parenting a child. Even if a first mother has subsequent children, she still can never go back and raise the relinquished child. Just as my first mother could never get back the experience of raising me. The adoptee can never get back the experience of growing up with blood relatives; the people he or she looks like, probably acts like and whose talents and interests she most likely shares. As an adoptee you will never get the chance to grow up with genetic mirroring, and your parents will never get the chance to watch you grow and see themselves reflected in you and discover the ways in which you differ.
Some children given up for adoption are truly unwanted, although not as many as the adoption industry would like us to believe. I was unwanted by my father, so I can never get back being raised by, loved, and cherished by my natural father. I will never be a Daddy’s girl to a biological father. Some mothers won’t even tell their relinquished child who his or her father is. So there are adoptees who can never get their father or the paternal side of their family back at all.
If you are an adoptee troubled by not looking like family, by not being accepted fully as a family member in your adoptive home, by not fitting in or feeling like you truly belong, or feeling like you’ve lived the wrong life, even if you find your first family you will never be able to completely erase those disquieting experiences. If you are estranged from your adoptive parents and think you can become one with your original family again, that most likely will never happen. You will most likely have no family other than your own spouse and children. There are a small number of people who do become fully integrated into their birth families, but they are few and far between and certainly not the norm. And even then you cannot get back all the time you’ve lost. You can never fully repair what was damaged by adoption separation. For most of us, what was lost in adoption is lost, and you can never get it back.
I searched for my original family because I wanted to be a member of my family again, as if I’d never left; although I didn’t admit that even to myself at the time. But reunion can never ‘cure’ the adoption separation. Reunion can help. But reunion also can and often does cause more pain. Reunion can never erase what happened, give us back the years, or completely take away the pain. In my case, at least, it did lessen the pain and gave me some measure of peace about being given up for adoption. I prefer an imperfect reunion to the alternative of living my entire life never knowing who my natural parents are and where I come from, and on a practical level, never having a medical history. I come from two different religions and two different parts of the country with different values, but I will never have the chance to integrate my background as easily as I would have if I had grown up in my biological families. And even though an adoptee can move back to their original hometown or country, take back their family name, and contact as many blood relatives as they can find, they can never get back the life they would have lived.
You can even try being the good adoptee. The one who always says he or she is ‘just fine’ with being adopted, whether you genuinely feel that way or not. It is uncomfortable to express one’s true, difficult, and complicated feelings when it seems that it’s the good adoptee who gets all the praise. They are the ones, after all, who are usually described as mature and well-adjusted. It is easier not to rock the boat when one’s feelings about adoption may be confusing and contradictory in the first place. But reserving accolades for only those adoptees who are ‘just fine’ with being adopted is akin to telling suffering first mothers that they are just a handful of malcontents. That most ‘birth mothers’ are at peace with their decision. In my opinion, it is a sign of mental health to be in touch with one’s feelings, even if those feelings include being angry and bitter.
So if you are an expectant mother facing an untimely pregnancy and considering adoption, or the grandparent, or the father to be, I ask you to not think twice, not think thrice, but to think a thousand times before you give up your child. And I implore you to let this sink in for a while…YOU CAN NEVER GET IT BACK.
And the loss is overwhelming.
http://allinthefamilyadoption.com/can-never-get-back-part-two/
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Oh Robin, everything you say is so true. There is a saying that goes: you can’t step in the same river twice.
The river is changed every moment, every second. And the same it true of losing a child to adoption, or a child losing her natural family. Reunion helps, but doesn’t change the fact that nothing can be the same. As a mother, I know we lost our children the day we gave them up. The person, the relationship we get back is not the same as the one that might have been.
Having said that, I wouldn’t change a minute of all the years that I knew who my daughter was, and how she was. That was real, not some fantasy, and I believe that coming into her life made her see that she was a different person than the one who her parents thought she was.
Thanks for writing this. I’ve posted a link to it on my Facebook page.
Lorraine from [Birth Mother] First Mother Forum
Lorraine,
The one saying of yours that always sticks in my mind is, ” We lost them when we gave them up.” That is most often true. And it is the same for adoptees, we lost our families when we were given up.
Robin – Thank you for your insight and beautifully expressed feelings. You are absolutely right – there is no do over in adoption. None of us can every reclaim the years we’ve lost with our children – and our children with us. And, it’s only in reunion that it becomes evident the primal damage done to both mother and child.
I hope you are healing and can find solace in the “findings” of your origins. I know both my daughter and I have been blessed for 24 years now in the “knowing” of each other once again. I cannot imagine life without her and am grateful.
Yes, Sue, I have found more peace from knowing my first families. I would never want to go back to not knowing. It has been especially healing to know how very much I was wanted by my natural mother. The fact that I was rejected by my original father is a pain I will probably carry throughout my life. But no one makes it through life unscathed.
I am so glad you and your daughter have had 24 years together and I thank you for your comment.
Oh Robin, you write so beautifully. I have shared this on my Facebook page. I was reunited with my son 12 years ago when he was 42 and all the things you say from his perspective, are the things he has told me over the years. And you have so achingly said all I feel as a first mother. Thank you!
Your welcome, Joyce. As a fellow BSE adoptee, I’m not surprised your son and I had similar experiences. We grew up at the same time and were subject to the same cultural attitudes. I’m glad you and he have been reunited for over a decade.
You touch my heart.
And your comment touched my heart. It made my day.
Thank you for writing this – I reposted on LinkedIn where I hope the people who need to see it the most, will see it. I’m an adoptee, 44 years old, found all of my birth family, and seen much of the reunion crumble before me. Maybe I tried too hard, or they too little – or something in between – but you can never get back the years that you lost. And I feel that fact every single day.
Nicole,
Sadly, the reuniting and then disconnecting seems to be more the rule than the exception. Adoption leaves so much damage in its wake. No, we never can get back all that we lost, and for me the feeling of having lived the wrong life can be the hardest.
I hope that whoever you are trying to reach with this post will be moved. Thank you for commenting.
Yes to Robin and yes to Lorraine.
I would also add that the relationship you build post reunion, while not what it could have been, can be amazingly awesome and fulfilling. It takes strength and courage to do so and the willingness of all parties to participate. Giving up the past, the what ifs and the what might have beens is key to the success. We can’t change what happened, but we can move forward with love, caring and new shared experiences and make the absolute most of the remaining time together.
The main issues here is don’t put yourself and your child in that position to start with. There is help out there. You are enough for your child. Live together and love together. Wealth does not a parent make; love and acceptance does.
JackieD,
I love hearing about reunions that are going well. You are absolutely right. We must look forward and move forward. However, because giving up a child for adoption, and being given up for adoption, are such profound, life-altering experiences, it can be hard, and for some impossible, to resist the tug of the past pulling us back. I think this is more a reflection of the enormous power of adoption rather than reflecting the shortcomings of the adoptee and the parents.
Thank you for being brave enough to share from the heart. Reunion opens up the wound that was carefully hidden away in order to survive a childhood of adoption. I can totally relate.
Samantha,
I am so glad that another adoptee can relate. And I agree with what you wrote.
Thanks for your comment.
Beautiful post. Unfortunately, no matter how beautiful a post may be, the vast majority will choose not to hear.
Yes, Anastasia, I know how deflating it is to feel like we are only preaching to the choir. But I try to remain hopeful. I truly believe that the more voices who join our chorus, the more people on the outside will begin to hear and begin to take notice. The only way we can make change is to keep speaking our truth.
Oh, wow — SO true! Like Humpty Dumpty’s egg — once a family is broken, it can’t ever be put back together again.
Even though I’ve been in reunion for 30+ years, it’s just not the same as growing up together. My kept siblings’ lives weren’t any better than my adopted one, and yet I desperately wish we hadn’t been separated.
Adoption was a lose-lose situation for all of us.
Humpy Dumpty. Good analogy. I wouldn’t have thought of it.
Thank you for posting.
As a first mom, I can relate in so many ways & am just in the beginning of my journey.
Your welcome, NsMomma. I hope you will have one of the smoother journeys with all of this.
Reading your heartfelt post has brought tears to my eyes.
A lot of what you say is true. Mother and child separation can never get back the lost years.
Returning home is more of a spiritual and emotional and identity journey.
Going home doesn’t really mean physically going back and being raised by your family but rather connecting with your routes, your blood line, your identity, your medical history, your cultural history, but more importantly , your charactor and personality. What makes you , you
By doing this the lost child doesn’t carry so much pain and grief and trauma on to their own children thereby causing the generational damage that adoption sadly, is so well known for.
Letting go of the lies and falsehoods, and not carrying them down your next generation. This is a long and hard journey and society tells adoptees not to go down this path, to leave well enough alone.
But for the same of your healing and your future generations, you all deserve the healing this can bring
Very interesting comment. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Thanks for writing this. Such an important point needs to be clear to Moms who are deciding and and to those who are struggling to heal a wound that is so complex.
It has taken me most of my 67 years as an adoptee to plumb the depths of my pain. My search found a grave and no hint of a father, siblings who have no interest……yet knowing more painful events as you say is better than not knowing.
This wound has controlled my ability to make relationships and still does. Yet I am happy to know why, finally, a spouse couldn’t be for me. Once known, I could begin to love the me that survived and work to find the life that is satisfying despite its limitations.
My wish for you is that you will find a satisfying life, even with all the pain that adoption causes.
Robin. An excellent article and so well written, I’m goi ng to share it to my time timeline. You caught the very essence of what happened to all of us once that adoption was final!
Thanks, Sandy. Let’s keep getting the word out.
Thank you for writing this. It resonated so much with me regarding the reunion I’ve had with my son for the past several years. While it’s been smooth going and we have lots to be grateful for, the feelings of loss and sorrow have been overwhelming for me at times. While he doesn’t seem to exhibit or be aware of any feelings of loss, anger, etc., I sometimes wonder if the emotions have just been buried away so long ago, just as I had done throughout the years preceding the reunion.
Nancy,
I was amazed by your comment. I have been working on part 2 of this post and I go into one of the issues you bring up in your comment. Stay tuned…