It’s a new year and while I stopped making New Year’s resolutions years ago, I decided this year to make an exception. There was something I wanted to get to that was just too important to let fall by the wayside of my busy life. And that ‘something’ was to read Lorraine Dusky’s newest memoir, Hole in My Heart. Previously, we had published a guest post giving an adoptive parent perspective on this book. But I felt it was equally important for me to read the book, not only for my own edification, but because I wanted to share an adoptee perspective on it with our readers.
Let me first say that Hole in My Heart is much more than a memoir. It is a fierce, well-documented argument for family preservation and adoptee rights. It covers the gamut of all aspects of adoption, from the trauma of being adopted to the pitfalls of reunion, to the long-term effect on first mothers, all interwoven nearly seamlessly with Lorraine’s personal story of how felt she had no other choice but to relinquish her only child for adoption. Or as she put it, back in the day the rare “unwed mother” had whispers clinging to her like pollen in springtime (p.221).
I should advise you this book is not for the faint-hearted. And is not a book that readers should hurry through, either. It is best taken in bite-sized pieces: read a little, reflect, become a little misty-eyed, and then return to the story. I especially appreciated how the book is written in short chapters so the reader can do just that. The juxtaposition of the writer’s personal narrative with facts and figures on the institution of adoption makes this memoir a stylistically unique and compelling read.
The story is written in the clear, concise and persuasive style that Lorraine is known for. Her exquisite use of metaphor nearly knocked my socks off at many points throughout the book. From describing herself, not long after relinquishment, as a loose log in a raging river, drifting in the turbulence, (p.52) when considering a new romance, to her description of a woman she met who turned out to be both a first mother and an adoptee, the layers of her sorrow are backed up like planes at LAX, if one leaves, another is ready for takeoff (p.84), Lorraine brings readers right along with her as she relives the most painful and life-altering experience she has ever been through. As she reminds the reader, Giving up my child was the worst thing I ever did, the worst thing that ever happened in my life…(p.200)
I can relate to this story because some of the experiences were similar to my own. Lorraine mentioned a mother’s first words to her relinquished daughter were: “I always thought you’d find me” (p.67). One of the earliest things my first mother said to me was: “I always knew you’d find me.” And when Lorraine described the long-term effects of relinquishment she wrote that unresolved grief, self-punishment and low self-esteem were among the most common difficulties (p.60). These, of course, are also issues that are found too frequently among the adoptee population as well. And describing the clandestine searching required under the closed adoption system as a mother-and-child reunion railroad (p.109) must have hit home for many searchers. When she wrote about how reunion at first seems so splendid but too often makes you feel as if you are swimming in a witches’ brew of eye of newt and toe of frog (p.156), I had to laugh. How many of us can relate to that? And many reunited adoptees and first mothers have felt the life raft of our relationship break apart again on the rocky shoals of divided loyalties (p.214).
I had previously written a post about how my life was dramatically altered by Lorraine’s first memoir, Birthmark. And I must admit that book packed a more powerful emotional punch for me than this second memoir did. But that is not surprising. When I read Birthmark I was in a very different place in my life. I read that memoir thinking, “Say what? You mean natural mothers didn’t all make a rational decision that they just didn’t want a child at that time in their lives and were freely giving them up? Well, turn everything I ever believed about adoption on its head and knock me over with a feather, why don’t you?” Now while I can’t say that Hole in My Heart has changed my life, I am grateful to have further details of the story filled in. I had come to like the people in this story, cared about them, and wanted to know more about what happened to them. I had begun to feel like I knew them. And in this newest memoir, from her bold statement that I know it sucks being adopted to not shying away from the long-term effects of adoption on the adoptee, my daughter, she was eternally sad (p.165), Lorraine demonstrated many, many times throughout that she is not only an advocate for natural parents but is an equally strong advocate for adoptees as well.
But moving from the personal to the political, I have to disagree with Ms. Dusky’s point of view that adoptees are the ones primarily responsible for opening the sealed records. It is the natural mothers (and fathers), after all, who put us in this position, and it is the first mother’s privacy that is supposedly being protected by our original birth certificates being sealed in the first place. Just as the slaves needed the white abolitionists and the early feminists of the 19th century needed men to fight beside them to change society and win their rights, first parents, especially mothers, must be there in large numbers, side by side with adoptees, to overturn this unjust denial of our civil rights.
I have no doubt that that the “choir” will be impressed with this latest offering from Ms. Dusky. But it is not the choir I am most concerned about. This book needs a wider readership. This is a book that tells it like it is, and its message needs to get out into popular culture to counterbalance the ever prevalent and simplistic “adoption is such a beautiful thing” gobbledygook that is so pervasive. So here’s an idea: Why doesn’t every reader of this blog post, and of the memoir itself, contact one person in their circle, someone who is not a first parent or an adoptee, and encourage him or her to read this memoir? I think it will be well worth their time, and it may help your loved ones and acquaintances to better understand your personal experience with adoption.
Now, before I leave you, let me just mention one other thing. After finding her lost daughter, Lorraine finds herself thrilled, beyond words, actually, when she discovers that her daughter also wanted to find her. As she wrote, Now I see that my daughter needs to know me just as much as I need to know her (p.127). Well, that revelation came as no surprise to me, because as most adoptees know, there’s a hole in our hearts too.
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Robin, I totally agree that first mothers and first father’s should do all that they can to have Original Birth Certificates opened. An amended BC is pure BS. I am a first mother in reunion with my son. What a gift!! It kills me he can’t see his original BC.
Helen–I remember hearing a story about an adoptee who went to the Office of Vital Statistics in my home state of Florida with both her adoptive parents and first parents in tow, and the clerk still refused to give her a copy of her OBC. I guess that’s not really surprising since the law is still the law. But it does show how ridiculous these sealed records laws are. I mean, what could be on the OBC that she didn’t already know?
Thanks for your support.
I have yet to read this book, but it’s on my list. After reading this, I will order it soon. I remember after I reunited with my daughter (21+ years ago), that I began reading everything I could get my hands on……..beginning with Primal Wound. That was so shattering and revealing to read. I sent it to my daughter and she was blown away. Her comment was, “I’m not crazy for all that I’ve felt through the years”. I have two nieces who are adoptive mothers and even though they are thrilled to have my daughter back in the family, they still don’t really “get it”. They of course see things from their own perspective of infertility and adopted children. It becomes very wearing to talk with and deal with people who just can’t understand all that adoption means to natural mothers and the children they relinquished. Still, we fight the good fight. I am so fortunate to have wonderful birth mother friends with whom I’ve been close to for so many years. All birth mothers and adoptees I meet enrich my life and I hope I bring something positive to them as well. I look forward to reading Lorraine’s newest book.
Lynne–I am a big supporter of The Primal Wound, and am glad your daughter found it helpful as well. It is considered by many to be controversial, although I have a hard time understanding why. It has given a lot of adoptees a sense of solace and relief that their feelings were explainable and shared by others.. I think it’s the expectations of the closed adoption system that are wacky, not the adoptees response to it.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Robin–I still believe that adoptees need to “lead” the battle to unseal THEIR birth records–their testimony is much more appealing to outsiders and legislators about why they need to know where they came from–but I do not downplay that mothers need to be right by their sides. But when we testify there is always the sense –well, you knew what you were doing, you are not enslaved by the sealed records, you have your identity and how you are only sorry you relinquished your child.. The adoptee speaking out is always the one whose voice needs to be heard first, loudest and last.
I’m pleased you enjoyed–if that is the right word–H♥le in my Heart, and especially pleased you liked the writing!
Thanks for the review.
The real tragedy is when an adoptee puts his own needs last based on what he assumes to be the wants and needs of his first parents, or out of fear of upsetting the apple cart with his adoptive parents, and ends up supporting the sealed records laws.
I was able to get through your memoir just fine, and did ‘enjoy’ it, as long as I had a box of Kleenex nearby.
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Yes, this fear is very real for many adoptees. That is why more adoptive parents also need to get on board with supporting the unsealing of birth records, to remove this mental hurdle faced by their adoptee children. As an adoptee, if you are living with a feeling of having been abandoned once, how scary is it to face the possibility of being abandoned again, this time by your adoptive parents? It is why many adoptees also don’t seek to reunify with their original family.
Robin: I wanted to hit “thumbs up” but it wont let me. I need to be “registered’ or some such.
Robin, I really enjoyed reading your blog about the book , ‘Hole in my Heart’ by Lorraine Dusky., from an Adoptee point of view. This has become one of my favorite books, and I’m reading again – slowly. (got my tissues). It really helped me to understand from the Adoptee’s perspective how they may feel about the struggle with loyalty issues, and why I have difficulty in communicating with my son. (adoptee). in our relatiionship.
Lorraine mentions in her memoir that there is only so much a non-adopted person can understand about the experience of being an adoptee. As she wrote, I could sympathize…with all the adoptees I knew, but I can never completely understand what’s its like to be relinquished by your mother, rejected by your father, and grow up among genetic strangers who have taken you in (pp 154-155).
I think the same is true for adoptees. We may be able to empathize, or understand intellectually why we were given up, but there is a limit to how much we can really identify with the experience. And in my opinion, this is one of the main reasons the waters of reunion rarely run smoothly.
That was a great response. I kept thinking if I can just make my son understand the situation he’ll forgive me & we could move on, but its not that simple. pg.143…”Years will go by but we will circle around and always come back to: “Why, did you give me away?” Don’t you know how much that hurt?” There will never be an explanation that can be enough to mend that.
Should my daughter ever ask “Why did you give me away?” I will answer “I didn’t, I did not give you away.”. I suspect it will not satisfy her.
Dusky’s reply is a catch 22. Because when we fight for the records to be opened they say to us well, your mother wants her privacy, your mother didn’t want you. I think most first mothers need to fight-hell they were forced most of them to relinquish us so why aren’t they suing these adoption agencies and churches asses off? Maybe some of them are still just scared of the monsters that took us away from them, but really, pull up your bug girl pants. You aren’t alone and pregnant anymore, you aren’t 15, 22 or 25. We all have to do this together and I have no respect for opinions like Lorraines’.
Maybe some of them are still just scared of the monsters that took us away from them, but really, pull up your *bug girl pants.
That would be *big girl pants, lol.
My cousin died, and I just found out she’d relinquished a baby, I’m figuring it was about 45 years ago. I don’t know if its a girl or boy, but I imagine that the state was probably Maine, New York or New Jersey. Is there anyone who can help our family welcome back our lost bird?
Geri,
I’m always happy to hear when extended family wants to welcome back a family member who was given up for adoption.
You can try ALMA (Adoptees Liberty Movement Association) which is in that area. http://www.almasociety.org/
For further information, see the sidebar at First Mother Forum. http://www.firstmotherforum.com/
You can also register at no charge with the International Soundex Reunion Registry. http://www.isrr.net/
Readers, are there any search angels who can help Geri? You can leave a comment here at the blog, or contact me directly at Robin@allinthefamilyadoption.com.
Grrat post. I am going through a few of these issues as well..
I’m working on a class action against the state because Nodody in this babies family was notified, the social worker was not an LCSW, Its all fraudulent, and it has to stop. We have to make the trafficking of our our babies stop. We can and we will.