Last week made me realize how much this adoption has cost our family. I’ve found myself unable to reconcile the situation in which we are a part. It is something that I find incomprehensible. I sit and think for hours and try to analyze and make sense of the mess, and it has brought home to me how true it is that adoption should be the very last option. The damage it has done to our family isn’t quantfiable, and I include our extended family in this statement.
One thing I hate about trying to tell people our story is the tendency for people to say, “well, that’s what happened in YOUR family.” The words usually left unspoken are, “That’s not likely to happen in OUR situation”. I would likely have said or thought the same thing about our “situation” prior to our granddaughter being relinquished to adoption. I would never have imagined that our reality today would have existed. I never would have imagined that people who were supposed to love and care about us and our family would have twisted truths and lied about things to justify their actions to themselves and others. What’s worse is I’m quite certain the people trying to justify their actions have now convinced themselves that the twisted mess they’ve made up is reality and intend to present this as truth to our granddaughter. It breaks my heart that our granddaughter will become a victim of their deluded reality. I want no part in damaging her any further, and it’s not something within my power to prevent.
We cannot make these people understand the damage they may inflict. Our efforts to do so have been perceived as threats. We are not threatening anyone, we just know that children are only children for a small fraction of their lives. We believe resolving our differences and coming together is what’s best for our granddaughter’s future. You can never have too many people loving you, right? Not so, says my granddaughter adoptive father. According to him, we have nothing to offer our granddaughter. Furthermore, we “have never been and never will be her grandparents. She has grandparents who already love her unconditionally.” I really have to wonder about those grandparents. They have experience raising children. Do they not see the issues? Do they accept the reality that their son and daughter serve up to them? Are they afraid to speak up? If that’s so, then their love is not “unconditional”. It is conditional on the relationship they truly value, and that’s the relationship with their son and daughter.
I would understand some of the a-dad’s views if either my husband or I had a history of child abuse or neglect or drug or alcohol problems. However, we haven’t any of those. None of our children smoke, drink or do drugs. None of us have been arrested or have criminal records. Yet, we are the ones considered “bad” for our granddaughter. Our daughter has to “prove” something to these people in order to be “good enough” for her own daughter.
We have to pay the price they demand because our daughter dared to admit she made a mistake and asked for her daughter back. She revealed her grief publicly. She told of how she was coerced into giving up her daughter. My husband and I dared to reveal our grief as well. We admitted to the pressure we brought down on our daughter. We admitted to the pressure that was brought down on us. We all have revealed our love for our daughter and granddaughter. We revealed that it didn’t just “go away” when our daughter relinquished. We dared to tell the truth. We dared to dirty their perfect adoption story. We’ve dared to interfere and reveal that their daughter was not born to them. We have to pay and pay and pay for our supposed indiscretions. We will never be done paying the price for this adoption.