If There’s One Thing I Know

If there’s one thing I know, it’s that an unmarried parent does not make a terrible parent just because of her marital status. Sorry conservatives, you are totally wrong on that one. And as our country and even the world become more conservative I feel I must raise the alarm. We cannot go back to the idea that all that matters for a child’s best interest is that he is raised by married parents, even if they are not the child’s biological parents. Of course, if we lived in an ideal world every child would be born into a stable, loving relationship and would be kept by their natural parents.

The loss of one’s biological family is a devastating loss and pretending otherwise doesn’t do anyone any good, most especially the child. A mother loving her child and wanting to raise that child is not dependent on her marital status. It is only society, and conservatives in particular, who seem hell-bent on trying to convince us of this, and also that a single parent does not have the ability to be a good parent, or at least not as good of a parent as a married (at the time) couple. The mantra “just give the child up for adoption” is not the easy, perfect solution that too many people make it out to be.

If there’s one thing I know, it’s that more often than not an adopted child will be very different from the adoptive family members, not only in looks but also in personality, talents and interests. And the best way to handle this fact is to accept and appreciate the child’s differences rather than deny them. Those differences should be cause for celebration not disdain. Let the child be who he or she is and don’t reject the child because she doesn’t completely fit in. For example, I had the bad luck of being born into two families with a host of health problems and then was adopted by what seem like the most robust people on the planet– people who rarely even get a cold. Needless to say, this didn’t make for a comfortable fit. So know this, if you can’t accept that an adopted child may be very different from the rest of the family, you run the risk of turning your relationship into a long-term foster care arrangement rather than a family.

If there’s one thing I know, it’s that it’s best to not deny the child’s blood heritage or assume it has no influence. Being adopted doesn’t give the child amnesia about the fact that he was born into two other families, and that those families are probably still out there somewhere. As Nancy Verrier wrote: “The adoptee had a 40-week experience with a person with whom he probably bonded in utero, a person to whom he is biologically, genetically, historically, and perhaps even more importantly, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually connected.” Even if prospective adoptive parents go to every doctor’s appointment and are present at the delivery that won’t make the child any more their child biologically or make him any less adopted. Being a helicopter prospective adoptive parent can’t eliminate or minimize the problems of being adopted.

If there’s one thing I know, it’s that even if you think you consider an adopted child exactly the same as a biological child and will love her just as much, the child herself will probably not feel the same. She is not having the same experience she would have had if she had been raised by her natural parents and not been given away. Having been so brainwashed by the adoption industry and the prevailing views about adoption in American culture, I understand that it’s hard for adoptive parents to ‘get it.’ After all, they aren’t adopted. And since practically all the information out there about adoption is from the adoptive parents’ perspective, they don’t fully understand that the child’s experience is completely different than theirs. But remember, you got to make choices, the adoptee didn’t. As author and adoptee Jeanette Winterson said “I have a theory that every time you make an important choice, the part of you left behind continues the other life you could have had.” Except for adoptees, we had no choice in leaving our ‘born-to’ life behind, and all the consequences of that fact; it was thrust upon us.

If there’s one thing I know, it’s that adopted children who are grieving the loss of their natural parents must be allowed to grieve and not be forced to deny that their natural parents are their family, or given the message (outright or subtly) that there is something wrong with them for feeling their loss so profoundly. Don’t make the mistake which Nancy Verrier wrote about in The Primal Wound, “He {the adoptee} may, instead, have been made to feel as if he should be grateful for this monumental manipulation of his destiny.” This is not the time for insecurity and worries that your child will think blood is thicker than water and will prefer his natural parents to you–with a little bit of “after all I’ve done for you” thrown in. And please, don’t tell the child about his experience. You are not the expert. Let him tell you! And whatever you do, don’t refer to the first parents as “our” birth parents. You do not have birth parents, your child does. You are not living the adoptee experience. He is!

If there’s one thing I know, it’s that most children have an innate need to be loved and valued by their natural parents. As Kaisa wrote at First Mother Forum: “Being loved by family makes us feel better. Being rejected makes us feel worse. The fact that these emotions are tied to family, to mother, are not an adoptee’s choice, these are not the choices of any person, this is the natural way of things. I think it is normal for an adoptee to want love from their biological mother just as it is natural for a kept child to want the same. But it cannot be construed that adoptees can make themselves feel better about being rejected by their mothers, it is part of the human condition to desire a loving relationship with our mothers.”

If there’s one thing I know, it’s that adopting a child should never be looked at as a business transaction. Children are not a commodity. I read an article recently about a well-known real estate magnate who used her well-honed marketing savvy to help her adopt a child. Oh, please, let’s not even go there. Using surefire marketing techniques to acquire a child degrades that child’s personhood and humanity. An entrepreneur may be a phenomenal businessperson and impressive for making it big in their field, but one must never confuse business techniques with parenthood. Marketing tools are a manipulative and dishonest way to move a child from his original family to another.

If there’s one thing I know, it’s that being placed in an adoptive family is no guarantee of getting a good family or a better life. Most adoptive parents, of course, deeply love their children and want to do their best for them. But since the purpose of placing a child is to give him a better life, it is naïve, sometimes even dangerously so, to assume that it always work out that way. This is not to imply that every bio-family is perfect, far from it, but even if you had insecurity or instability in your family, if you are raised in your biological family you are secure in the fact that this is your family. Even in a good adoptive home, there is a still a question mark that hangs over an adoptee’s head: Is this really my family? Will they always be there for me?

If there’s one thing I know, it’s that having one’s own children can be problematic for an adoptee when she has no knowledge of her background. It brings up all kinds of unsettling feelings and questions about where you come from. And it’s not fair for the adoptee’s child to only have his or her medical and ancestral history on one side. It’s also terribly unfair for other bio-family members to not know that they have a new grandchild, niece, nephew, or cousin, or whatever the relationship may be. And in the case of a closed adoption, blood relatives, even distant relatives, should welcome a searcher into the family and even be the ones to reach out and make the effort. Invite the relinquished family member to join you for holidays and other occasions. Let her know that she is part of the family. Of course, if the adoptee says she’s not interested, then it’s time to back off.

If there’s one thing I know, it’s that it’s hard to talk about being adopted when people immediately say how wonderful that is and tell you: “You’re so lucky.” When they are obviously making all kinds of assumptions about your situation (i.e. automatically assuming you were unwanted, your mother did what she thought was best for you, etc.) without knowing anything about your real story. I wasn’t lucky. What happened to me was a tragedy. Fortunately, some people are willing to listen to my whole story before jumping to conclusions, and yep, they usually respond with “That’s a tragedy!”

Okay, so this is way more than one thing, but unplanned pregnancy and adoption are complicated. They cannot be boiled down to “one thing”–that adoption is a universal good–which is the way most people think about adoption. These are complicated and difficult experiences that require a thorough understanding of the true impact of adoption, not just slogans. So when I put all these things together, I can say this: The way adoption is thought of and practiced in this country, and the glorification of adoption as the perfect answer to unwed parenthood, is not only wrong, but encourages a mindset that leads to untold pain and damage in too many lives. And it’s a mindset that we simply cannot afford to go back to.

Photo Credit: debmantel.com