Today, we have a guest post from an adoptive mother named Jay Iyer. Many of you are probably already familiar with Jay from the many insightful and supportive comments she leaves at one of our favorite blogs, First Mother Forum. Jay has kindly agreed to let us post her thoughts on Lorraine Dusky’s new memoir, Hole in My Heart*. In an earlier post, She Changed My Life, I gave my perspective as an adoptee on Ms. Dusky’s first memoir, so we are delighted to offer a different perspective, that of an adoptive parent, on Lorraine’s second memoir.
Jay and her family live and work (and go to school) in beautiful San Diego, California.
So here is Jay Iyer in her own words:
Imagine you have amnesia. You have no knowledge of who you are, of how you came to be where you are, of crucial genetics that shaped the person you are. You have adults, loving and caring even, who call themselves your parents and who offer to provide you whatever you need, anything you need, to be happy. And yet, what you want is what these parents, regardless of their best intentions, cannot give you. You want to know what makes you, you. When someone says, “you have high cheekbones” or “you have such a distinct laugh,” you don’t see or hear the continuum of humanity – the history, the ancestry, which led to the most important creation in your life: You. Your identity that is central to your being has vanished, and there is nothing that can fully recover that loss, ever.
This is life for many adoptees, a complicated journey that is navigated in a void. While reunions with their biological families often can help answer questions and fill in some of the gaps, the bridge between dual families that adoptees must constantly and delicately travel can impose a strain. Through no fault of their own, whether or not an adoption was needed, the adoptees must bear the burden of this strain.
Lorraine Dusky’s new book, “Hole in My Heart,” cleverly weaves these complexities for adoptees into her own incredible and bittersweet story of loss and reunion. Her tale of a life well lived, full of dramatic coincidences and ground-breaking forays into journalism at a time when women barely were permitted to dip their toes into news areas that did not concern home décor or fashion, is as fascinating as it is sad, overridden by the heartbreak she was forced to endure because it simply was not acceptable to be single and pregnant and keep your baby. As for her daughter, Jane, who lived life as an adoptee, that is a journey every adoptive parent should read about, to become a more empathetic adoptive parent.
I walked away from this book with many feelings, two of which stand out. One is of admiration for how Lorraine Dusky lives her life: philosophical, passionate, optimistic, forward-thinking despite the struggles she has faced. The other is a sense of urgency regarding the need to unseal birth records that are the doors to truth for adoptees. Lorraine’s memoir, which details her lifelong advocacy in this area, makes it clear that it is possible to grant adoptees this vital information while preserving the privacy of the few biological parents who desire anonymity. If the Supreme Court can recognize a right to dignity in the Constitution, as elucidated in its recent opinion legalizing gay marriages nationwide, should a right to one’s identity be too far behind? I hope not.
*To learn more about this book, please see the link on the right-hand side of the blog.
Thank you both! I will post this link as a sidebar at First Mother Forum.
Jay, I sit here in tears…finally someone that is NOT an adoptee UNDERSTANDS our plight. Thank you on behalf of all adoptees.
I am humbled that I touched you, Barbara. My son is still quite young, 7 years old, yet already I see in him the questions and the pain that comes from not knowing his parents. I think it is extremely important for adoptive parents to be sensitive to issues of identity in their children. I am actively looking for ways to help my son. I cannot return what was taken from him, but I will do whatever I possibly can to understand where he is coming from and help him get answers that make being an adoptee just that little bit more manageable.
Thank you for commenting.
Re “hole in My Heart”- as a mother who lost her first child to adoption (Australia’s White Stolen Generation) – I was fine with this article UNTIL I got to the bit about birthparents keeping the records closed – once again, BLAME the BIRTHPARENTS – there are a lot of adoptive parents who do not want records open, I would suggest a lot more adoptive parents than birth parents. Lets end this constant need to blame birthparents – honestly, the next natural disaster to devastate the world will probably be our fault too…..why do adoptive parents constantly want to be put on pedestals
Hello Vicki, thank you for commenting. Have you read “Hole in my Heart?” In it, Lorraine writes about how some first parents do not want to be contacted by the children they surrendered. She goes on to say it is possible to open up birth records without compromising the confidentiality of those VERY FEW first parents who want to keep their identities confidential. I agree with L:orraine. Hope that clarifies the context.