Here I Go Again on my Own

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted anything.   I’ve been busy with my life. In fact, this weekend, I will be on a plane to go get a glimpse of how big my daughter has grown. I am ecstatic to see her, but I am also scared. The adoptive parents, my uncle and aunt, have stated they would like to sit down and discuss our expectations for any future visitation or anything in particular with the adoption. What scares me are the words,  “our expectations”, it was unclear if “our” meant only them, or if it included my own expectations.  

I had a suspicion this talk was going to happen. Although, not this soon.  I was thinking after her 4th birthday. I am scared they will cut all ties and forbid me to see her just as they did during her first year of life.   I love my daughter more than anything in this world. I try to be and stay positive.  I try to think of her needs and wants before my own. Being a natural mother is not easy for me, I live in constant fear. I want someone with me on these visits, someone to be my pillar of strength. Each time I go, though, I go alone.

I said a few days ago on Facebook that it seems every time I visit my daughter, I must train and be prepared  for whatever my uncle and aunt dish out instead of relaxing and enjoying time with my child. There are times I think, “Yes! I can stand up to them!  Charlie, you are an adult now, stand up for yourself, be the better person, do not live in fear.” But as soon as the date shows up, I revert back to being a scared little kid. I will admit, I am intimidated by my uncle. I know he has the power to cut all ties between Olivia and I, and he can use that power if something I say or do does not satisfy him. I do not want to bow down and kiss his ring. In fact, I refuse to do so. I do not want to be controlled like I was almost 4 years ago. I want to have something go my way for once.

A lot of songs are spinning in my head tonight.  One is a song by Whitesnake called “Here I Go Again” whose line matches exactly how I feel during all of this, all alone.  Another song that also speaks to me is “Wide Awake” by Katy Perry.  Music helps me get through the hard times.  It’s a stress reliever for me.  I try to do my best to stay positive, but I am worried by what horrible things may happen this weekend.

Dusten Brown continues the fight to keep his daughter.  I need to fight to stay positive and try and keep the best relationship I can with my daughter. If I do get shut out, do I keep fighting? Do I wait and try to begin a relationship with her for the second time when she’s old enough to make her own decisions?  Do I let them exert control over parts of my life, when they should have no control over my life at all, so I don’t risk being cut off from my daughter?   What do I do if that situation happens? What do I do even if the relationship does not fail?