I usually write about things related to what’s going on in our lives or what we have discussed regarding our granddaughter. Last week I wrote about lying to your kids due to suspicions our granddaughters biological truth is being, and will be, withheld from her. I’m sure her parents justify this by saying she’s not old enough, but they confuse her best interests with their own.
I re-blogged a post Sunday from the First Mother Forum. I shared the post because this is an issue my daughter has experienced. Something she does not voice perhaps because she’s ashamed? I’m not sure, but the experiences relayed exemplify one of the many ways my daughter’s experience has damaged her.
“How many children do you have? Or, “Do you have children?” seems like such a simple question to ask someone. Lorraine Dusky, the post author, relinquished her daughter a few decades ago and these questions still affect her. She says she still avoids them after all this time. I wanted to comment on the post, but it didn’t feel right.
My daughter had a difficult time with people asking where her daughter was, and why she never brought her out. Telling someone her daughter had been adopted elicited responses such as, “I can’t believe you did that! How could you give her away? Or “You are so brave! So many women just abort their kids.” Both responses are insensitive and caused her tremendous pain. So, she started withholding the truth and letting people believe we had her daughter at our home. One woman would beg my daughter to bring her around to meet her. My daughter would say she’d try to next time, but, of course, there was never a next time. Anything to avoid the looks of horror or admiration for what had happened.
So, when I read Lorraine Dusky’s post about telling people about your relinquished children, I understood this to be as painful and difficult as she described. I watched my daughter respond to this simple question with fear in her eyes. She doesn’t want to lie, but she doesn’t want to be judged for the truth. Some might claim this behavior is a result of these woman being damaged prior to relinquishing their child, however, in my daughter’s case this is not the truth. I don’t believe it to be the truth for many if not all of the women who relinquished and suffered for their “decision”. The issues are brought on because of their loss to adoption not the other way around.
I tell my daughter frequently, “To hell with what anyone else thinks. Tell them you have a child who is being parented by someone else,” but I am not the one on the receiving end of the insensitive comments. It’s easier for me to stand up for her than it is for her to stand up for herself, and, as you can tell by reading this blog, I have no problem doing that until she is ready to do it for herself.
“The floods is threat’ning
My very life today
Gimme, gimme shelter
Or I’m gonna fade away”
~The Rolling Stones~